People have a tendency to view me as cold, stand-off-ish, and more often than not use the word “intimidating” to describe when they first meet me.  Over the years I’ve become excellent at compartmentalization, I can easily hide my feelings and feign that nothing is bothering me, fake my happiness, and vice versa.

I think that since I excel in compartmentalization techniques, people misinterpret my feelings.  Maybe misinterpret is an incorrect word, I am rarely ever asked how I feel about certain situations, and people will just assume.  Since I can easily not show emotion and can ignore people for weeks on end, others think they can sense what’s going on in my brain.  I know from experience in trying to do this to others that you can’t, and you can’t assume you know how someone else feels because you’ll probably never get it right.

Have you ever had that gut feeling when people are talking about you?  That’s my feeling today.  Recently, a person in my life (we’ll refer to this person as A1) has betrayed my friendship and my trust.  A1 is a person whom I’ve worked very hard to make sure I’ve met his feelings at least halfway, and tried to respect the things that bring him happiness.  This same respect has not been shown onto me time and time again.  As a result, I’ve decided to discontinue my association with A1 in effect to save my sanity.  I can’t continue to put someone else’s feelings and wishes ahead of my own if I haven’t even made their list.

It reminds me of a quote:

Never make someone a priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

That may not be the exact quote, but it’s close enough.  I can’t continue making myself an option for people who toss my feelings aside, and are hypocritical.  If you want me to do something, you should probably do it in return.  It often makes me wonder if A1 respected my feelings at all.  I shall safely assume no, since he has never tried to contact me in order to rectify the situation.  In fact, he hasn’t even bothered to ask me my feelings at all.

I’ve never worn my heart on my sleeve, if not asked I more often than not will not share my deepest emotions.  In fact, not even the emotions that dwell just under the surface.  I wonder if people realize that I have feelings at all.  It’s become a joke within my circle of friends, as I will often say, “That would hurt my feelings…. If I had any.”  I hide them well.  Hey, it’s important in service positions.  I can’t be cutting someone’s hair while sobbing and wiping snot on my sleeve.  That’s not going to make them want to return to me, is it?

Readers, have you ever had someone who you believed to be close with brush you aside and blatantly disregard your feelings as if you had none?  Who can relate?